Day 98

Last day of May already. I felt Gene with me at the vets service. He loved our country so much. The journal is still words, no color but I am wanting to doodle or cut/paste, anything to get back to decorating the pages. Lots of errands today. I will take my ballot to the clerk’s office. I have never missed an election and I have friends wanting reelection. I will be glad when it is over although November will be worse. 

Day 97

Today is Memorial Day and I will walk to the cemetery to witness the veterans’ event. There will be military flag rituals and music. It’s a beautiful morning with no wind yet. When Barbara asked me if I had art in my journal, I said I was lucky to have words in it but it made me wish for more. I may sit with the journal and see if color happens. My old journals are so  much fun to look at.

Day 96

High point yesterday was a catch-up conversation with Barbara Clark. Her good news is her wedding with partner Linda after 22 years. She invited me but I wouldn’t know anyone. It sounds like a family and fellowship event. Usual Sunday morning routine: water orchids, clean bedding, walk, church, socialize after church, love my life. Maybe I will see Gene and Carol again on their morning walk. The garden is growing well. Won’t be long before the first greens will be ready.

POH

I had a 9:45 dental appointment on a Wednesday morning. I told the museum manager that I would be late for my 10 AM volunteer duty, and that I hoped to get there by 10:30. She forgot. There I was having a new crown fitted in perfectly oblivious that a storm of activity was going on. My phone rang three or four times but of course it went unanswered. Then I was finished and walked to the museum. I was met by Rick who said, Where have you been? At the dentist. We were so worried that something was wrong that Karen is out looking for you. A deputy sheriff came in and asked me my name. I told him. He said scanner land was looking for me. Karen called my daughter Hollie at nine minutes after 10 and upset her. When she arrived here, Jon and Chris were sitting on the couch as Karen had knocked on their door to ask for help. Then a deputy sheriff came in the house and looked all around the house and yard, including reading my journal that lay open on the kitchen table. Meanwhile Karen had driven up and down streets, stopped people, gone into stores asking if anyone had seen me. She made more stops than Paul Revere. Hollie knew that I kept a calendar and when she looked she saw the dental appointment listed and called the office. I had just left for the museum where I was accused of making Karen’s life miserable by scaring her. Wait a minute, I went to the dentist, that’s all I did. At home, Chris told me the deputy had even looked in the closets and she saw him reading my journal to see if I had left a suicide note. Karen told the story over and over with herself as the hero and me as the villain. Finally I had enough and told her clearly how her behavior had affected my life. The intrusion left a bruise on my sense of privacy and took away any kind of trust in Karen as a manager. It took a while to get over it with her multitude of teary apologies and obsequious behavior toward me. I tried to see it from the point of view of the total stranger, the trained officer, and wondered what he knew about me from coming into my home. It was months before I opened my journal again and to this day I cannot leave it open on the kitchen table.

Day 95

I’m recovered today. Took a couple of naps yesterday to get moving. The good long day needed a day off. I’ll start off with a walk and watering the gardens. Then look for something new to get involved in. I want to write too. POH memories flit away before I can add them to the list! I need that phone with the pencil. The morning pages in the paper journal are great for sorting out what worked and what needs course correction. 

Eggs, cheese, vegetables
Add Megan's special magic
Super fritata

Day 94

Megan says she will look for a job today. I would like to see her pursue work in town. Yesterday was satisfying: one of those days when I feel truly comfortable, connected, and productive. Senior center was noisy and the band was particularly delightful with lovely singing. POH group was interesting and fun and I had to tell them to go home so I could get to the community dinner in time to serve. It was busy and noisy there too.

Day 93

Feeling okay again. Another busy day coming and I’m ready for it. Yesterday the museum was busy with pricing new merchandise and visiting with Karen and Linda. I like the duty there. Then preparation for the church community dinner. Today, senior center duty, POH writing group, and community dinner service. I like days with parts that still have spaces for walking and home stuff. Peas are half way up the fence. Now that it’s warmer at night, plants are doing well.

Day 92

Never recovered from the migraine yesterday but sleep has helped. I’ll be fine again today once the coffee clears the remaining foggy brain. Today is museum duty plus preparing for community dinner at church. I hope to get a good walk. I miss feeling well and strutting happily around my long block. Maybe I will write at the museum. If it is quiet, I can find new words and explore POH with vignettes. I enjoy condensing experience into a few words. 

Day 91

Still have heavy feet and achy head. Will attend the board of supervisors meeting this morning. I support Martha and David and hope to see Kathryn on the board. All of them are on uphill campaigns. Yesterday Ky came and made a list of fixes I need to accomplish and I know he will do them well. I need to figure out what to do with Megan’s rocky yard. Maybe leave the weeds to become duff and eventually cover the rocks.

Day 90

I did have connections yesterday morning and then kind of shut down again. I guess I’ll be better today; I want to be okay. The dragging feet and grumpy outlook are not my natural way of being. Senior center duty followed by what? Walking. Writing calls but when I sit down I draw a blank. The stimulation from the list is gone and I’m bored with my own stories. Wah wah, time to move on. Michael says “Simplicity is a virtue.” 

Day 89

It was a quick trip to the farm stand. Now Carol and Gene know what they can find and the dates for markets. Hollie didn’t come to town and Megan is gone with her friends. I wandered around, non-productive, restless and unfocused. Not how I want to use my time. Took two walks and didn’t talk or get any plan in mind to change the flat look of the day. When I don’t reach out, then who gets to be lonely?

POH
Two old grizzled men in faded fatigues see each other. Meet in the middle of the room. Long embrace. Brother. brother. they say foreign words. Nam vets.

Day 88

       

We had fun. Accomplished what we set out to do: find things we wanted and find things we didn’t know we wanted. It’s damp outside and I will walk in a few minutes. Later I will go to the farm stand and Carol, possibly Gene too, will see what is available. They used to go to Arcata for the farmers’ market. Now they need to get acquainted with what is here. It is one of the many changes in their lives.

Day 87

I’ll be walking with scarf, hat, and gloves. The dogs get a bath, I get another treatment with Tracy and Hollie and I will go for recreational shopping in Brookings. I haven’t been out of town for weeks! I cleaned the car yesterday in case I get to transport Gene and Carol around town. The dog nose paintings are still in place and there is an opportunity to wash it. I will write morning pages again. It’s a good sorting process.

Day 86

Visitors already at the museum. Walked 15K steps too, three walks. Back to winter in this yo-yo weather month. I like a nice stable 50+ nights. Good for the growing vegetable garden. I’ll do senior center duty and something else. I added to my list of brief memories that can become Palm of the hand writes. I want to explore the process as I see it as a way to trim stories down like making a haiku out of a memory.

Day 85

The morning walks have been energetic and every pore has taken in the sun. Makes me feel healthy and fit. Today the museum season begins. I will take my paper journal as it is staring at me with blank pages asking for words and color. I may go back to morning pages as it is a way of taking care of yesterday and clearing the way for newness. I want another productive day full of activity and people. Onward and upward.

Day 84

Yesterday’s CR group was awful and I will not return. Anne had an emergency and did not go to the museum with me. I became a member of Team Schach and will hold the key to their home in case of need. It was an emotional day and, thankfully, was followed by a restful sleep. Out early again for a walk. Must beat the cold wind. Then the extra senior center duty and, wow, the cherry on top, massage with Karen.

Day 83

Busy week ahead. I like days with different parts. Breaks up the routine. Today, after senior center duty, I’ll take Anne to the museum to meet Karen and hear about volunteering. I hope she likes it and maybe she will share Wednesday mornings with me. Then the CR Palm of the Hand writing group. Carol may go if she has the energy after blood tests. I hope she stays home and rests. She seems very frail. I’ll get a walk too.

Day 82

It’s been four years since Kim died. I will ask for prayers for him today, pray for peace. That’s all he wanted. I woke up from a very good sleep, no headache, no achy back. Great omens for starting a new week. It’s damp and calm, walking weather and I’ll be out early. Visited with Carol and Gene yesterday. She looked tired and he is not through. They didn’t take all the tumor out of his brain. I love them both.

POH

Kim died four years ago today. I talked to him on Saturday afternoon and he was not doing well – hallucinating and telling me that Suzanne was there and had stolen his meds. He said she talked the pharmacist into giving her more pills. He thought ants were crawling around his house. I asked if I could send help and he laughed. No, Mom, you know I’ll be OK tomorrow. I wasn’t driving at the time because of a neck injury. Can’t drive if the head won’t turn. And he was correct that other episodes ended with time. I asked him to call me the next day. He didn’t. On Monday, he wasn’t answering his phone and I called neighbor Judy. She knocked and knocked as I listened and then I asked her to call 911. The next call came from the officer who broke into his apartment and found him dead in his bed. I’m glad he wasn’t crumpled up on the floor. At least his last breaths were comfortable.

The business of his death was painful and difficult. On the other hand, I realized that he had made a life with his books, music, films, and his computer. He had a flying program that he loved. Flying over islands at night was his favorite part. Kim never blamed or complained about his handicaps, neither the mental nor physical ones. He lived a simple and brave life.

Day 81

81^st day of my 81^st year. Time to pause for a check in. I’m doing well with the writing groups and enjoying not writing for senior news. Not so good with PT exercises and doing very well with walking. Loving the gardens and they need to start loving me back! So far, not growing well. I want the lush plants that I had last year. Doing well with new friends and keeping in contact with old friends. So far so good.

Day 80

Carol wasn’t here. Gene had brain surgery and she was where she belonged, at the hospital in Medford. The group formed quickly and went well. They do want to come back to share and socialize. I’m glad it worked so well. I showed them the straw bale gardens too. Today starts with breakfast at the senior center for a couple of birthdays, car service, Tracy for another treatment and Megan will give me a computer lesson. Of course, I’ll walk too. 

My 100 year old rhododendron

Day 79

Or  walk for ice cream! Today, after senior center duty, I’ll get ready for the first writing group. Carol and I will talk about palm of the hand vignettes, and get the three ladies started with a list of brief memories and our stories. I hope they want to do it again. Carol and I will go to the other group at the college on Monday. My house is clean and tidy and I have cookies to nibble with the tea.

Day 78

Housework today. I know when I’m feeling better because I spot the dust and want to move furniture. Megan is off to take her last final for the semester. She is doing well with her accounting studies. She has a natural talent for numbers. It’s another too warm day and all the doors are open to cool the house. Then I’ll tighten it up to keep the cool inside. I will get a walk. No errands today just walk for exercise.

Day 77

       

Extra senior center duty. Julia sent a photo of herself relaxing on the train to Des Moines. Good for her. I will walk early. Wind is still an issue. Then I will have a serious talk with my bale garden that is not jumping up and showing how wonderful it can be. I started too early, again. We premature babies never get over being early. Just can’t wait. The ground garden, vegetable soup garden, is doing well. Today is looking up.

Vegetable soup garden: onions, peas, potatoes, cabbage, carrots.

Day 76

Aching back. Tracy again this afternoon after senior center duty. It’s interfering with walking and exercise. I’m in a low spot and know that I’ll pop out of it. Always do after a while. Low emotionally too. I’m needy and don’t have a name for what I need. That’s the problem. If I knew, I’d fix it. I woke up in the night from a dream of preparing for an earthquake. I need a shake-up but internal not outside. It’s Monday again.

Day 75

Mothers’ Day. We don’t do Hallmark holidays in our family. Any time I get to be with Hollie and Megan is a holiday so I don’t need any cards to prove it. I’m still feeling uneasy and unfinished. Today I will be aware of my connections and make sure that I am getting the response I want – acceptance and acknowledgment. First, a walk, maybe meet Hollie at Safeway, church, Giants game, binging on Family on demand. Time passes without a trace.

POH

When I was watching the Giants game yesterday, I remembered that I learned to enjoy baseball from my step-father, Fred. Other than watching games with him, I didn’t like him. I thought he was mean to my mother with his sarcastic barbs. He didn’t mind slinging a few at me too. Once he met me at the door with “Here’s old, fat, and ugly.” I said that my suitcase was still in the car and would he like to explain to my mother why I didn’t stay. He backed down. I know he liked using her money.

Back to baseball. He did explain the terms. I liked understanding what was going on. I like baseball because it’s spread out on the field, the goal is simple to see, and the athleticism is obvious. I have favorite players that I like to watch. I caught on and, except for some of the statistical data, could follow the plays and know who and what was happening. I learned to root for them and even be loud about it. And Fred could use his vocabulary on the players of the opposing team. He always wanted hot dogs so he could be one of the spectators.

Day 74

Not much fun yesterday. What is fun for me? Comfortable conversation, connections, new ideas, suitable projects, etc. I’ve been missing these lately. Unanswered connections leave me uneasy, wondering if I have offended or missed a social signal. I want more and not sure how to get more. I know it’s up to me and I need to learn more about reaching out. There are people and events I want to be included in. I have acquaintances that could be new friends.  

Day 72

Besides Tracy, I have no have-to agenda. Could do errands and shopping. Could write. Yesterday I thought about baseball and how Fred showed me how to watch and enjoy the Giants games. I learned the terms that are used. I will plant seeds in the bales. Want new kale plants to get going along with the lettuce, carrots and spinach that are peeking up. Maybe go visiting or invite company. Might waltz around Wally’s for paper products. Anything that is fun. 

Day 71

Routine agenda: walk, senior center duty, whatever comes up. Hoping for new activity, people, and/or projects. It’s Megan’s last regular day. Next week is finals week and then she has the summer off. I hope she gets a job quickly as I don’t want to support her now. I promised the term and that’s all. My back feels better this morning. Tracy does a good job for me. I will go again tomorrow and that should bring me back to stability.

day 70

No agenda except Tracy for more help with my achy back and neck. I have errands and shopping I could do and housework I could do or not do. I’m restless and wandering both in mind and body. I want more than that, grounding and purpose are more productive. Maybe writing more palm of the hand vignettes. The brief snapshots are fun to write and bring back memories. First the mat exercises and focusing on making the most of the day. 

Day 69

Tracy did soft traction on my back and neck and it helped a lot. I’ll see him again tomorrow for more. I need to do my part with the stabilizing exercises. Today is an extra senior center duty. Julia is on a train trip to Iowa and I will take her place. The garden grows and makes me smile. I will get out for an early walk then later I’ll walk the dogs. They did well yesterday. Our routine is good.

Day 68

It was 80 yesterday. Less so today. I tripped on something and grabbed a branch of the lilac tree. Didn’t fall but jerked myself to the point where I need an appointment with Tracy. My neck and low back hurt. Early walk before senior center duty. I took the dogs on a walk to Home Depot and bought carrot and lettuce seeds. Everything is coming up! I have three plantings of peas and potatoes. The bale garden is a special treat.

Day 67

The merry month of May starts today. I need new merry clothes: cheerful print tops and new pants. My language shall be even merrier with more kindness and positive comments, lots of gratitude and personal acknowledgements. Today I can get it going in church and on my walks. I’m feeling good about the new contacts with the POH writing group and the Dems, and the gardeners. Life is full of interesting people now that I have the energy to find them.

Palm write

I enjoy walking. Always have. The past three years walking has been therapy, a prescription for osteoporosis. This condition is one of the side effects of iron storage depletion caused by donating blood. The only tools I have are exercise and nutrition.

Yesterday morning I put on my coat and hat, picked up my gloves and headed for the front door. I didn’t want to go. I felt that I had nothing to work with, no physical energy. Medicine, I reminded myself, need not be pleasant but take it anyway. Down the front steps with a longing look back at the front door. A snail could beat me to the corner but onward and upward. I walk the same route most days and part of it is along H Street, from Cooper to Front, part up the highway from Front to Cooper. As I was plodding along, a driver waved at me. I recognized a guy who plays clarinet at the senior center on Tuesdays. Nice, I thought. Maybe my pace picked up a bit. Then a honk and wave. It was Chief Minsal, who rolled down his window and asked me to coffee. No, thanks, I’m taking my medicine. After that I noticed my posture had improved. I remembered to hoist my lungs up out of my belly, get my shoulders down and my neck straight. I even rolled my feet as I picked up the pace again. I stopped at Safeway to buy bananas and ran into old workmates from the Pine Grove days, Hugs and quick catch ups are wonderful. More acknowledgements as I did my walk: the guy who painted my house, an old neighbor, lots of smiles. Not only did I improve my body mechanics, walk faster, but I realized how firmly I belong in my community. No matter what time of day, I will see people I know and enjoy the mutual waving and calling hellos. By the time I’m climbing Cooper hill, I have springs in my feet again and a driver calls out “are you walking or dancing?” I feel so much better in body and spirit by the time I get back home. Now, did pushing myself to walk bring the improvement as I went along, or was it the recognition  and feeling included in other peoples’ day.