Day 243

I was also reluctant to write! Me, who makes sense out of the world with words could not sit down and write the assignment for the conscious aging program. I gave myself all sorts of rationalizing such as I’ve already written about these topics many times, I’ll do it later, etc. I was also reluctant to climb up the ladder and clean the gutters. I have learned to ask for help and Tony did the job. They are free of moss.

POH

I was injured at school when a 130 pound student ran up behind me, put both of her hands on my right shoulder, and leaped into the air saying I love you. I crumpled up while trying to grab a railing and that was my last day of teaching. Next, months of depression, rejection, isolation, physical pain, and the depersonalizing workers’ comp process. I was 57 years old. My personal goal had been to teach until I was 60 with 35 years of experience. When that didn’t happen I was not prepared for the void that I now faced. I felt old and useless. Thanks to an excellent neuro-surgeon my spinal injury was corrected and I fully participated in rehabilitation. Then what?

I found volunteering and jumped in to the best of my abilities. The sore spot in my mind was the fact that I was not a working woman any longer. I found myself apologizing for not working. I wanted to tell my victim story about how the school superintendent said they had no legal obligation to find me a safe place to work. I was embarrassed to get a retirement check. This behavior actually went on until I was 60! That was the age when I planned on retiring. Then I could relax about not being on a payroll somewhere and it changed volunteering into service rather than activity to placate my work ethic. This episode, thankfully forgiven, was my first awareness of aging and how I could use it productively and comfortably.